Dec 13 2011 08:20 AM
Incontinence is often discussed with a spouse or partner outside of your doctor, but discussing it with your children can be another matter. No matter if your children are young or grown up, broaching the subject can be a delicate matter. Do you tell your children about your incontinence or do you keep it a secret? If you do talk about, what is the right approach?
Men's discussion
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ChristyB Member since: 11/17/10 |
Talking with your children |
 BrianJ Member since: 3/31/09 |
RE: Talking with your children
Dec 14 2011 12:15 PM It's a medical condition. I'm in favor of telling your children. Wouldn't you tell them if you had a hysterectomy, heart attack of appendicitis? Why should incontinence be handled differently. It might present certain issues with younger children, especially those still in diapers themselves or those being potty trained, but my vote is to tell them, be honest and open. Why would one want to live in their own home sneaking around with such a secret? Even by suggesting whether we should or should not tell them, you are attempting to continue the stigma that is too common with incontinennce. We have to bring it out into the open and we will never accomplish that if we can't even begin by being honest wtih our immediate family. Would love to hear other comments/perspectives. |
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Loving life Member since: 7/23/10 |
RE: Talking with your children
Dec 14 2011 05:15 PM I couldn't agree more Brian, but somehow I lost my way on this one. My younger daughter found out when she was young via an embarassing moment for me and I took her to the park and we talked about it. That was the only time, though. My second daughter and I have never spoken about it and I have struggled with my inability to do that. She is now 18 and I'm sure she and her sister stopped talking about it years ago. My incontinence is only at night and I still have shame about discussing it or having any tell-tale items in sight (leftover after decades of hiding the problem), but I'm sure I have left a million clues over the years and kids explore in drawers! It is tough though, when everyone gains control and you remain diaper dependent. |
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Patrick Member since: 8/26/09 |
RE: Talking with your children
Dec 14 2011 09:30 PM As I have written elsewhere, my incontinence has involved several surgeries and hospitalizations; keeping it in the closet was never an option. My diaper pail is in our bathroom, and I take it to the laundry almost daily. My family are far more concerned when I collapse, or, as recently, when my doctor orders a diet that drops my weight by fifteen pounds. That said, I do all my own laundry; I never ask for assistance, and the topic never comes up. My family accept my incontinence as a regular part of me, like glasses. I guess, if I'd had the option to keep it in the closet, my life would have been more stressful. Children are curious, ask questions at the most awkward moments, and easily see through adult euphemisms. My family are pretty much stuck with me, which includes my diapers. |
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BrianJ Member since: 3/31/09 |
RE: Talking with your children
Dec 14 2011 09:40 PM My incontinence arose when my children were teens so they knew right from the start. I never attempted to hide it from them. Actually, I never could have. We have a very open home and they would have found the diapers in my closet. However, I have not told younger children (nieces and nephews) because at younger ages I don't think that they'll understand and it might be awkward. Besides, if they don't live with me, they don't need to know everything. Sort of on a "need to know" basis with them. Their parents know and agree that they may be too young to handle these kinds of issues, but I suspect that they'll know one day too. I think that if my children were toddlers rather than teenagers when my incontinence happened that they'd know right from the start. However, you never know what might come out of the mouths of babes, so it could be embarrassing. Guess you'd have to be prepared for that oops moment possibly happening! |
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Nick Member since: 3/31/09 |
RE: Talking with your children
Dec 15 2011 09:25 AM My former wife had a great deal of difficulty dealing with the fact that I was incontinent and was opposed to telling our children about it. Her inability and unwillingness to deal with the issue was one of the main reasons that we split up when the children were still rather young. However, now that they are adults, they know about it and seem able to handle it without a problem. When I go for visits, I take diapers with me and manage my incontinence in the same way as I do at home. |
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BrianJ Member since: 3/31/09 |
RE: Talking with your children
Dec 15 2011 06:51 PM @Nick - - Just curious since my ex had a hard time dealing with it too. Did your incontinence start during the marriage or did she know about it beforehand? Are you in diapers 24/7? Mine started during the marriage and I was only in diapers part-time, but she hated that I wet at night and had to wear diapers to bed. |
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Nick Member since: 3/31/09 |
RE: Talking with your children
Dec 18 2011 11:01 AM Brian, My former wife knew about my incontinence problems from the first point at which we began to be intimate, and she is a nurse who seemed to be able to deal with the situation just fine. However, after we got married, my condition worsened. I had been wearing only at night but began to need to wear in the daytime too. And she couldn't cope with that. It was a really bad situation and one of the main reasons that we split up (although it wasn't the only issue). |
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BrianJ Member since: 3/31/09 |
RE: Talking with your children
Dec 18 2011 12:45 PM We had other issues too but the incontinence and my need to wear diapers was definitely a big part of that and quite sad if you ask me. Seems like "in sickness and in health" does not mean "in diapers, too." |
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ChristyB Member since: 11/17/10 |
Re: Talking with your children
Dec 19 2011 11:19 AM Thank you for your comments. It is never easy to discuss the subject no matter who it is. By giving your suggestions, it can make it easier to know how to tell your children. Sometimes it may be necessary to talk about it if you have a genetic condition so that they know what to expect. Please feel free to continue to make any suggestions that would be helpful for all of us. |
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Patrick Member since: 8/26/09 |
Re: Talking with your children
Dec 22 2011 09:22 AM After I was diagnosed with Marfan Syndrome, when the time came to test my children, there was a lot of stress and anguish while we awaited the results. My siblings called frequently, fearing both for themselves and their children. I am convinced my sister tested positive, though she hotly denies it. The list of medical difficulties this disease can cause is long and frightening; incontinence is really quite minor. One curious problem is that medical personnel who take my history and hear me mention it suddenly become solicitous and concerned; they would treat me as though I were a China doll, if I let them. |
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